Open Wide

Open Wide

Wednesday, December 19, 2007


We think not. Today Dick Cheney's offices were engulfed in flames and billowing smoke (thank goodness no support staff were injured) while Bush-Cheney junta stoodges cried alligator tears for the media after being exposed lying to the American public about how they didn't really or actually did encourage the CIA to destroy all of its taped intorturegations.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

George Washington Was Apparently Incapable of Carrying Out the Activities of Daily Living

A new exhibit all about the human beings that the first president of the current republic enslaved personally is opening on Independence Mall. Amazingly, it is the first national monument acknowledging the millions of enslaved people on whose backs rests the economic prosperity of the southeastern and south central United States.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Republican Denial of the Nature and Existence of Human Sexuality Leads to Serious Consequences

The Old Gray Lady has definitive proof that it takes a Republican administration to increase the rate of unwed, teenage pregnancy in the United States. As proof mounts that teaching children abstinence only outside the bounds of a narrowly defined, orthodox Judeo-Christian, heterosexual marriage doesn't work, Republicans remain firmly committed to denying all these extra babies adequate education, nutrition, and medical care.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Editor of Ganymede's Ghost Is Old Enough to Be Father of Don't Ask, Don't Tell

Over 12,000 military careers have been cut short since we decided to allow gay and lesbian Americans to serve their nation secretly fourteen years ago. Apparently not asking is not the same thing as witch hunts that solicit unsubstantiated accusations from a soldier's piers.

Republicans Suffer Increased Risk for Psychologic Denial

Gallup has all the details.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Chair of FCC helps Bush-Cheney junta evade justice

It should come as no surprise that FCC Chair and Republican political appointee/operative Kevin Martin has refused to allow the FCC to investigate the illegal wiretapping of law-abiding American citizens by the Bush-Cheney junta. She's too busy making sure the parts of human anatomy that religious extremists consider shameful remain fully covered on the commercial broadcast and basic cable channels. If things were going as our Founders intended, Congress would step in to exercise some kind of oversight to protect our basic rights and liberties, but the Democratic majority in Congress appears to be paralyzed by the fear of appearing to oppose or question the Bush-Cheney junta's brilliantly fascist and fictional War On Terrah.

Republicans don't want middle class kids to have health insurance

George Bush is against government spending when it helps middle and low income families maintain health insurance for their children. He is in favor of government spending when it is to be wasted on a hopelessly futile, unjust war that he dishonestly misrepresented to a skeptical nation in order to obtain its assent to [attempt to] wage.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Fox promises to watch hen house more closely

The Post informs us today that the US State Department has issued a promise to monitor its Blackwater security mercenaries more closely as they attempt to ensure the safety of US diplomats in a hostile civil war zone with bullets. Blackwater corporation is privately owned by wealthy donors to the Bush-Cheney junta, which is why it comes as no surprise that security cameras will soon be installed in all mercenary combat vehicles.

Friday, October 5, 2007

Just because you're paranoid, don't assume a blimp isn't following you.

Because shooting animals that can actually run away would be too challenging.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Christoextremists Concerned That Fred Thompson May Let Federalism Get In The Way Of Bigotry

MSNBC has a story about Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson going to seek the blessing of some christoextremists who have hijacked and held hostage the national Republican party for the past dozen or so years. Tompson believes that GLBT folks are second-class citizens at best, and he believes in using the apparatus of government to discriminate against and financially penalize them. The only problem the christoextremists have with his position is that he does not believe the US needs a constitutional amendment to prevent the federal and state governments from recognizing the existence of gay marriages. He would prefer instead to tamper with the basic constitutional framework of checks and balances between three supposedly equal branches of government by enacting an amendment that would infringe upon the constitutional authority of judges to rule that laws violate the constitution. The best part is, this means all those states that have already approved the amendment to prevent government recognition of gay and lesbian marriages will have to start all over again with new campaigns of bigotry.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Coming Soon: Direct Flights from Philly to Shanghai

All things considered, I'd rather be in Philly. At least there's one more option.

State-Sponsored Homophobia Provides Common Ground for US-Iran Relations

General Pace has something in common with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Both are incapable of dealing with gay and lesbian people in a realistic and respectful way, and both were mocked and derided by ordinary Americans. At least Pace didn't attempt to deny the existence of gay and lesbian Americans serving in the military as Ahmadinejad attempted to deny the existence of GLBT Iranians living in Iran.

Ethnic Cleansing Becomes New Plank In Bush-Cheney Iraq Policy

Spiegel has all the details in a great interview with Seymore Hersh. And how could any article that uses the terms "America's Hitler" and "Bush's Vietnam" in the first paragraph not turn out to be a great read?

Friday, September 7, 2007

Bike Philly Without Having to Compete With Cars This Sunday

The Bicycle Coalition of Greater Philadelphia is sponsoring a big event this Sunday. You can register online until 5:00 pm Friday. There's also a pdf that you can download, print, and bring to register at the event.

US Park Service Police Ignore Constitution to Violently Supress Peaceful Demonstrators

So far, most corporate media [except for French-owned AFP] seem to be ignoring what happened in Lafayette Park yesterday. Long story short, a hopefully massive antiwar demonstration in DC is scheduled to coincide with the release of the Bush-Cheney "report" on Iraq by General Petreus on September 15 [in yet another craven attempt by the Bush-Cheney junta to confabulate their disaster in Iraq with the Saudi islamoextremist-sponsored terrorist attacks against the US on September 11, 2001]. One of the groups sponsoring the peaceful demonstration, ANSWER, was threatened with a $10,000 fine for using the wrong kind of tape on posters advertising the demonstration unless they removed all the posters. Yesterday, less than a dozen members of ANSWER held a press conference in Lafayette park to demonstrate a new adhesive that would appear to conform to DC's legal guidelines, at which point they were charged by mounted US Park Service Police "officers." Secret sources within the Bush-Cheney junta claim that Bush has already signed a supersecret signing statement exempting all executive branch employees from following the rule of law so the victims no longer have any legal recourse.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Hillary Was In Town Yesterday

Who knew? The Daily. Her visit didn't even tie up traffic [GG managed to drive right by in an actual car without thinking anything special was going on].

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

America's Illegitimate President Moves Goal Posts

In a vain attempt to obscure the measurable effects of the humanitarian disaster he has created in Iraq, the de facto but illegitimate president of the United States announced plans yesterday to stop monitoring factors that might make it appear as if His War is anything less than a stellar success.

Bitter Soon-To-Be Former Senator Contemplates Dragging Things Out

Apparently heading the advice of Arlen Specter regarding the application of Scottish jurisprudence to his current dilemma, Formerly Closeted Gay Republican Senator Larry Craig announced yesterday via a "crisis management" PR firm that he may not resign after all. He is quoted as saying, "I spent last night polishing my breastplate of righteousness. It seems a shame not to put it on and parade around like a frothing bigot just one last time."

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

USGS Moves to Catalogue Every Last Little Bit of Dinosaur Shit That Could Possibly Be Sold For Profit By Exxon-Mobile

Observers remain conflicted about the signifigance of a USGS project to identify some of the last remaining untapped fossil fuel deposits on the planet. However, industry insiders explain that it is expected to be much easier to plunder extraterritorial arctic resources than those within our borders, which enjoy the unfortunate protection of domestic environmental regulations.

Sunday, September 2, 2007

Never Boring

Arlen Specter has an interesting take on the plight of his openly not gay collegue Sentaor Craig. He explains his deft application of Scottish jurisprudence in this instance by relying on his experiences with the topic as Philadelphia District Attorney.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

It's probably better to have no Attorney General rather than a craven, self-serving one dead set on subverting the Constitution and the liberty and justice for which our ancestors fought and died.

Friday, August 24, 2007

FAUX "News" Loses Opportunity to Malign and Distort Records of Democratic Presidential Candidates

CBS News is reporting the cancellation of a Democratic Presidential Primary debate that was to have been sponsored by the Congressional Black Caucus and FAUX "News." Caucus member Bennie Thompson, who is quoted in the article, offers the following face-saving explanation: "[the] overwhelming number of party presidential debates has created a scheduling challenge." In more direct and explicit words, he means that three of the leading candidates, including the only one who might describe himself as black, are refusing to participate becuase of FAUX's well-established record as nothing more than a propaganda outlet for the Bush-Cheney junta.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Suburban Enviroterrorists Admit to Contaminating Philadelphia's Water Supply with Biologic Agents

Stay out of the Schuylkill for the time being. There's more shit than usual in it. One wonders what would happen if millions of gallons of untreated sewage from North Philly were "accidentally discharged" on Suburban Square.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

The sky is falling, hell is freezing, and the United States of America is running out of bullets.
Finally, MS NBC has unearthed incontrovertible proof that the directional flow of Cheney's circulatory system was reversed after he turned into a giant blood clot.
Democrats, who control the Pennsylvania House of Representatives by one vote, are urging their fellow partisans to pester the Republicans, who control the Pennsylvania Senate by a slim margin, not to fail to fund the Jonas Salk Legacy Fund, which could create thousands of decent jobs in the healthcare and biomedical research sector of the Commonwealth's victorian but plucky economy as well as help cure devastating diseases such as cancer and Alzheimer's disease. Republcan spokesdemons say, "Not only is failing to act a good way to screw the poor in need of decent jobs, it's also a conveniently indirect and underhanded way to support the Bush-Cheney junta's opposition to stem cell research, which is incredibly unpopular amongst voters in this rapidly aging state. But no, wait, the best part is, it actually makes it easier for Baby Jesus to smite people afflicted with horrible diseases by preventing the discovery of so-called cures, which we believe are actually nothing more than spells cast by witches."
I love living in a free country!

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Transgender-Themed Mural Stays (for now)

The Inky is reporting that a transgender-themed mural on a victorian house in Center City will be preserved against the wishes of the historical commission, whose members claim to be unaware of the neighborhood's historical role as a safe haven for sexual minorities.

Friday, July 13, 2007

According to Spiegel, the Tet Offensive may finally be over, in a month or two.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Someone who appears to be a little bit preoccupied with the rules might have posted the internal White House phone directory.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Inspiring and Sad at the Same Time

Fifty school children (albeit, the best and the brightest of this year's graduating seniors) turned a tour of the White House and visit with the alleged president into an opportunity to give him a handwritten letter urging him to do everything in his power to end all the well documented human rights abuses currently being perpetrated by the Bush-Cheney junta.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Biologic Agents Found In, On and Around Senate Gallery

It could be "an unfortunate incident involving a child," but it's more likely a shockingly disgusting yet fiendishly creative political statement made by several adults who smuggled in an enormous amount of putatively human shit.

Friday, June 8, 2007

Republicans Prefer Violence

Taking an obvious conflict-resolving lead from the Bush-Cheney junta, a Republican member of the Alabama legislature attempted to exert his political will by punching a Democrat with whom he disagreed. Charlton Heston is expected to arrive shortly with a surge of pro-violence reinforcements from the NRA.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Homeland "Security" Inappropriately Targets Gay, Lesbian, and Environtmentally Concerned Americans for Intimidation and Harassment

Apologists for the United States' pathetic and deplorable slide into fascism [and especially for allowing the Bush-Cheney junta to get away with election fraud twice] would like to explain away this web page as the ramblings of a bigoted Alabaman whose internet user privileges need to be curtailed. The page was pulled down after a minor hubbub began to swirl around it on the web. [Of course, most corporate "news" outlets ignored the story until the existence of widely read independent bloggers made that impossible.] Ganymede's Ghost obtained the copy shown above from a Google cache after simply searching the Alabama Homeland Security URL for the word gay. It was the only hit despite the fact that they tried to remove it. Having just been singled out for antigay harassment by a homeland "security" associate myself [for the putative offences of wearing a belt and forgetting to remove my keys and iPod from my pockets at an airport checkpoint] over a thousand miles away from Alabama in the birthplace of our liberty, I suggest that this web page is indicative of a national policy directive that is not yet widely publicized.

The Opposite of Calamari

Swarms of giant squid have begun to congregate just offshore from LA, apparently waiting for the Big One to drop a human hors d'oeuvres tray.

Attention Contact Lens Wearers

An article in today's Old Gray Lady explains why your contact lenses may be bothering you. This eMedicine article explains what can happen if you ignore the infection and it becomes systemic.

Christoextremists Finally Right a Massive Injustice

The Bible is true–every single word–including the part about the dinosaurs fitting inside Noah's ark. If you need to see it for yourself to beleive it, go here. By the way, we are all descended from incestualizers.

Dick Cheney Is Full of Shit

Responding to a shortage of virgin unicorn blood, doctors seem to have discovered that pumping Dick Cheney full of shit has slowed the process believed to be turning him into a giant blood clot. We may all rejoice in the fact the process has been slowed down enough to allow him to continue the Bush-Cheney junta's assualt on the rule of law.